The more you care, the more you have to lose

thewholeworldismine:

I look out for:

• People’s wrists
• People wearing long sleeve shirts
• People who never wear shorts
• People who wear orange on March 1st
• People who wear lots of bracelets
• People who looked depressed

Who knows, they may be just like me.

I don’t really know what’s been going on with me lately. Or rather I sort of do..but then I sort of don’t. I’m just always so tired because I never eat. Thing is, it used to be a constant battle, fighting the urges not  to eat, then purging, or chewing on food, then spitting it out; but nowadays I don’t even want to eat. I’m failing at college, despite working really hard, and achieved a u in chemistry and biology, and an e in physics, in my as exams, which were on 40% and I can retake, but I tried so hard, and no matter what, I’m never good enough. So now I’m at risk of being kicked out next year, in which case my parents will kill me. I don’t even want all this, I just want to be a writer, and continue writing my novel; that way I won’t have to deal with reality, because I’ll be living another life as someone else inside my story, and I can be anything I want, do anything I want and I won’t have to deal with any of society’s bollocks.

I keep getting angry at all my friends. I don’t know why, but recently I’ve been feeling angry, all. the. time. I can’t get rid of the feeling - I’m just angry at the whole situation I’m in. I just want to lose weight - so much weight so that maybe I’ll just disappear, and it’ll be interesting to see if anyone notices. I’m pushing my closest friends away. I know I’ve succeeded in pushing Steff away, and Daniela seems to actually give a shit about me for some reason, but I think I’ll probably succeed in pushing her away too. Pushing them away will make destroying myself easier, plus I’ll probably end up killing myself eventually anyway, so at least when the time comes they’ll probably have already forgotten about me. If I don’t push them away now, they’ll end up leaving me, and then I’ll be even more lost. So I’m manning up and doing the job myself.

Then of course there’s Jake. I don’t know why but I still have feelings for him. He’s my best friend, but we aren’t as close as we used to be. He doesn’t want me close to him, because he sees right through my and can see how ugly I am, both on the inside and outside, and he knows he’s too good for me. I don’t really know what to do with myself, because I’m not even sure if I definitely want to be with him, because that would make me weaker, and then he’d end up leaving me and I’d be heart broken. But I want to be close mates again, but it’s clear he doesn’t want that. I’m supposed to be one of his best friends, but then pretty much everyone is his ‘best friend’ so obviously that doesn’t mean much. I guess I just think he’s really perfect, and I wish he cared about me, because he’s beautiful; he’s flawed, but that’s what makes him so amazing. That sounds so cheesy lololol. I don’t really know. I just wish I could be happy, but I’m not. I just want to disappear. I want to cry, but I can’t even cry anymore. It’s as if I’ve just simply run out of tears. So instead it all comes out as anger. Dubstep has been helping me a lot. It’s emotionless, so it helps me not to feel.

I just hope I die soon. That’s all really.